Crabs have teeth in their stomachs
by fandomstrash
Summary: I didn't know what to expect, but I definitely wasn't expecting this.


He felt as normal as one could possibly feel with all their appendages, save for their head, attached to the body of a crustacean. _How_ does one end up in this mess? That is a very good question and I, Kaneki Ken will answer it for you.

 _3 days prior_

"KANEKI-KUN!"

"Ohshiete, it's Shittyama." Kaneki yelped, (it was pretty manly ;))) )as said purple man enclosed his mouth around the poor half-ghoul's head. Staring at the red, fleshy roof of the purple people eater's mouth was very interesting matter of fact. _It's actually quite roomy in here_. Kaneki though to himself, not once sparing a moment to think about how in the milk carton Tsukiyama's jaw could extend like a snake or some shit and fit around his large head.

"Your hair tastes like a cat Kaneki-kun," Tsukiyama remarked, it came out as more of a 'uR MUff TaSteh lIk CatH Can Opener™' _Oshiete, he found out about my neko fetish._ The Can Opener™ began worrying and started having a panic attack while still fully immersed in the purple man's kisser. "WrYh Ur MeEviNhg?" Purple man asked as the mentally nstable white-haired male started screaming in his mouth. It actually felt really good, Shuu could get used to this.

As it turns out, he'd gotten _very_ used to it. So used to it that Can Opener™ hadn't seen the light of day for at least 47 hours. He'd been having continuous screaming fits off and on as purple man licked his hair. At one point he'd gotten a hairball and coughed it up. The furry spit glob was currently stuck to the edge of Can Opener™'s earlobe.

"I am Daenerys Stormborn of House Targaryen, of the Blood of Old Valerya, the Unburnt, Mother of Dragons, khaleesi to Drogo's riders, and queen of the Seven Kingdoms of Westeros. I am blood of the dragon. Fire cannot kill a dragon." Can Opener™ felt purple man turn to look in the direction of the noise.

"Yes, hello? Oh…Continuer sur le fluage…" It was Touka…in a left shark™ costume.

"You can knot stahp meh. i am strongest shark alive. watch me swim thru waterzzzzz." Touka slurred and sprouted one large dragonfly wing from her back before flying into the ground, presumably to go back to the underworld where she belonged, or the southern US. Pretty much the same thing though, right ? Purple man sighed and sprouted his own wings to fly to Disney Land™. Can Opener™ started shrieking as his feet, which had been dangling for the past 48 hours, dangled even higher off the ground.

Purple man and Can Opene™ landed right smack in the middle of a mas shooting, operated by some white male.

"Oshiete, this looks like it could trend on Instagram." Purple man remarked and pulled his AssPhone™ out of his butt. He then proceeded to take a picture of some clouds floating above him and Can Opener™ and posted it to his Instagram, ( Shuuishotplzfollowmeiwillnoteatchupromise.x.x.x )and his fake followers all liked it in a matter of seconds. Then he added a comment to his own picture just filled with hashtags. #artsy #shooting #prayforCanOpener #Merica #likeforlike #followforfollow #f4f #s4s #adultt #bdsm #instagram #whitegirl #tbt #starbucks # whyistherenosharkemoji. After proceeding to write all his hashtags his picture was taken down for 'copyright claim'. Damnnit he hadn't given art creds. The shooter got away and caused mass panic through all of America until Canada captured her by dumping a lotta o' good ol' honey maple syrup on her dragonfly wing. She was sentenced to community service work in a sweat factory under the sea with Sebastian and Elsa's parents.

"Thish place ish boating." Can Opener™ remarked and purple man nodded, indeed it was boating.

"Letsh GosH On a REaL BoY boAth Can Opener™-kun." Can Opener™ nodded, at least he tried give the ghoul a sticker, in agreement. So the two flew away again and crashed a ship. The ship sank immediately and Ayamo S.S. was never seen again.

 _The Present_

Kaneki wiggled his claws and his many legs in unison as he shuffled across the freshly wiped-down table of :re.

"Horseshit Crab Opener! I just wiped those down!" Kneeki Kneeishio yelled in anger and angrily stomped over to the table Kaneki was currently dabbing on. Kneeki Kneeishio looked at him in confusion and watched as he continued to do the 'crab dab'. Kneeki immediately made a post about it on MySpace™ and it got lots of views by his nonexistent friends. The knee-slapping jackrabbit-smacking snake boy took a deep breath, ate some bubbles, and took on his true form.

This is a true story of how a mother eagle found a snake and a crab in the back alley of a smol coffee shop in Tokyo, Japan, fed them to her baby birbs, and helped increase the birb birthrate issue. Support this cause at watch?v=b3SydNMuve4

 **AN: What do you have to say for yourself young man?**


End file.
